philos sophia

drucyla @ 2007-12-01T12:00:00

2007-12-01T20:07:14Z

tomorrow i'm leaving!!!!!!!!!!!! WOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YAY! i'm sore because i worked out really hard the day before yesterday... and i need to do my last workout today... and possibly visit izzy in monterrey park, and hang with friends out here, and go to skandal... i already updated my mailing list with everyone who wanted to be pen pals. at first everyone will get generic, mass-produced stuff, but we'll see if i have time to make them more personal as time goes by. i'm stoked that i'm this close to going!!! i need to get going on all the things i need to finish!!!! yay for me!!!

drucyla @ 2007-11-16T20:36:00

2007-11-17T04:40:48Z

cookie is ourside right now :/ either the cats have figured out how to open the screen door, or my mom's really leaving it open. my stupid cat was in the back yard tonight... let him in, and heard momma tinlking around somewhere. didn't see her inside, so i got the treats. she didn't want to follow the treats inside, so i had to pick her up and toss her in. just as i was doing that, a certain gray and white thing jumped out. didn't come for treats, didn't let me chase him in the direction of the door. jerk cat. so i say he's taking after his dad.

drucyla @ 2007-11-13T13:51:00

2007-11-13T21:58:35Z

i posted this yesterday in

holiday_wishes, and thought i should probably post it here, in my personal journal. enjoy!

1. First off I would like everyone to seek out a downtrodden person in their life and do something to help lift their spirits. We all know someone who had a rough year, or has a lot to deal with right now.  Prepare a meal for them, watch their kids, take them shopping, anything! It's nice to be reminded how much people care at tough times!

2. I will be in boot camp for the marines pretty soon, so pen pals would be great! Just send your address to drucylam@yahoo.com by about december 5th!

3. As I will be going into boot camp, lessons at a local shooting range would be appreciated! I'd like to fire a rifle a time or two before i leave! I have no idea what my aim is like, or how a rifle feels in my hands or firing, any of that. I'd rather have a little bit of knowledge going in!

4. A workout buddy would be great! Once again, this is only for the next 3 weeks or so. I have been spending massive amounts of time at the gym, and it gets a little boring. I could get a 2-week pass for someone if needed! Also, a buddy for just running around in the hills near where i live would be great too!

5. Please, please, please SPAY AND NEUTER YOUR PETS!!! It's more humane than letting them reproduce! I've seen 1 cat turn into more than 10 in a year! The more pets, the more will be diseased and the less individual attention each can get. There just aren't homes for all those pets, either. It's too likely you'll wind up with 4 or 5 young adults ready to inbreed. I've seen this happen many times!

6. More friends on lj and myspace would be good. As you're cool with the fact that i'll be gone for a while and we have similar interests, add away! my myspace is http://www.myspace.com/oksoimhere

7. You can make me pets happy if you'd like! My mid-sized dog LOVES anything that squeaks, but eats it if it's not really tough. We like to put mardi gras style beaded necklaces on her, especially girly colors. They don't last forever, though, so replacements would be great! My cats love anything with feathers or fur, especially if it jingles/crinkles/etc. they all like treats. They will miss me when I'm away, so anything to make their lives more enjoyable would be appreciated! These wouldn't have to be sent before I leave, as someone will still be living there when I'm gone.

8. Thank whoever raised you for what they did. Taking care of another person can be really tough. Even if you think your parents (grandparents, whoever it was) messed up a lot, just remember they're only human and you might have done the same thing in their situation.

9. Become a more rounded individual. Explore this world we live in! Take a class or read some books on a subject you know nothing about, or from a viewpoint that's not your own.  Visit somewhere new, whether it's a new cafe down the street, or another country. Learn to get along with all types of people!

10. Strive to better yourself. Take care of your body and mind. Work on your weaknesses. Ask trusted friends what you can improve on, and work on it! If everyone was the best person they could be, can you imagine what this world would be like?

OMGOMGOMGOMGLMFAO

2007-11-09T11:32:47Z

*giggles uncontrollably*

so i gave izzy the ok to get his ticket back out this way today... he called me about 10 pm, pretty much begging me to pick him up, said he had surprises for me, i'd love what he was wearing, etc. really begging, for him. but didn't seem to be as reformed as he had sounded earlier... so i convinced a mutual friend to go with me. we waited around forever for him, as his bus was quite late. finally he showed up... in a dress, with a blonde wig, and pushing a shopping cart. my friend and i were busting up. i was expecting more of flava flav, not gothic anime manwhore! he also smelled like a bar of soap REALLY strongly! i almost asked if he had shoved a bar of soap up his ass, but held my tongue. apparently while getting his stuff in the car he asked my friend why she never responded to his requests to hook up n stuff *giggles* anyway, we got into the car... i WAS being condescending and a little mean, but hey, he deserved it and i wasn't being THAT mean... while on the freeway he opened the door like he was gonna jump out. we made it to my place, and got inside... he was walking around like a zombie, and could hardly manage 2 bags that probably weighed less than 40 lbs together. i mentioned poor motor skills, and he got uptight. well, it's only natural for there to be some loss of motor skills if one's doing 20 hits of liquid acid at a time, not to mention his daily other junk! anyway, we were being decent, and conversational. i showed him the neighbor's puppy that i've been caring for a lot, and brought down cookie. he raided the fridge. i mentioned that someone we knew wanted to take me out tomorrow night, and he said as long as it wasn't his bestest psycho buddy or his brother that he'd be fine. i said it wasn't any of them, though i have dated the brother recently. didn't say anything about sex or anything, just that we spent time together. he flipped out and said basically that was HIS man, when just 20 mins before he insisted he only liked the ladies in response to another of my comments. decided he wanted to leave, so i told him to go for it. good riddance! since he got in the car i didn't want him around!!! too fucking weird, and not in a good way! i'm all for personal expression, but pushing one's self on others and putting on such a show, which was obviously such a SHOW, eh. he kicked or stepped on the puppy on the way out, poor thing squealed pretty bad but seems ok. for about an hour afterward my friend and i were busting up laughing so fucking hard!!! MAN was that entertaining! what a fucking freak! i mean, i'm all for freaks and individuals, but... MAN! my friend's never seen him like that, but i've seen him worse. i'm glad my friend was there, because i'm afraid he would have gotten violent toward me or a kitty, or my dog. it's bad enough that he abused the neighbor's little puppy! my friend was a little afraid to leave, and insisted i lock the door and don't answer it until tomorrow. which was my plan anyway. but i know him, and i know he's not the type to come crawling back any time soon. it's better to be safe than sorry, though. my friend sent me a message right when she got home saying izzy was pushing another shopping cart toward the freeway. i'm glad i didn't make him feel welcome. his family won't, either. his sister will put up a big fight, and maybe his brother too this time. lol i love the way that once one starts living in society, it's much easier to see things are they really are. he doesn't have any secret info or coolness, he's just psycho and a freak. a lame loser. man... i've moved on a lot! maybe he hasn't really changed all that much since we met, but i certainly have! it feels nice to be a WOMAN and not a pathetic child! eh, maybe he'll wonder if he's really than much worse than his friend, who's not really my type, other than his super thin build (and that midsection!!!). but at least his friend's really stable. has a job, drives, has taken at least a few college courses. has stable, permanent living arrangements. and it's not like i'm about to get into any kind of relationship with him... and there's no reason i should be expected to sit around all pristine pining after him, that's not realistic or right. he fucked up, and i'm not above rubbing it in a little! ...but that's only 1 of about 4 people who have been courting me lately... i didn't get to tell him who that friend who wanted to take me out was... but it turns out his friend's brother DOES want to take me out this weekend as well, maybe tomorrow night, in fact! eh, things are just too much sometimes!

ok, now the excitement is starting to wear off, but i'm still pretty damn awake!

drucyla @ 2007-11-08T11:09:00

2007-11-08T19:15:30Z

...so a person's getting his ass kicked everywhere he goes, probably from drug or girl related issues... or both! ha ha, gutter punks don't mess around!

it would be funny if they found him out here... once he's here i'll have to say that the only way to avoid street folk is to have a completely successful life that doesn't deal with them! i HOPE he now realizes WHY i don't want to deal with druggies... they are fucking dangerous! ok, not all are, but... they all lead to each other, eventually! AND they don't wind up with anything useful in the end.

drucyla @ 2007-11-07T14:47:00

2007-11-07T23:07:42Z

LMFAO

i just checked my messages on my cell... got a call from izzy begging for my help. apparently the chick he's been with is JUST LIKE HIM, only with heroin instead of everything else. she follows him around, constantly begging him to do it with her. apparently he broke up with her, and has a ticket back out here, provided i say he can stay here. i'm thinking out what bitchy things i'm going to say to him when i talk with him next!!! maybe remind him how he used to do that to me? or say i thought he was a 'whatever' person, down for whatever comes his way? or... that there's a reason she's perfectly happy living on the streets? LOL man... i'm not letting him come over here. i'll tell him to ask his friend brett if he can say he'll stay there... HA HA i think i'll do that! oh, wait, his friends over there do oxy, oh noes!!! but he doesn't know that yet... oh man, am i going to have fun with this! i can't say i really believe in an outside force such as karma, but... people get what they deserve. they do. they bring about their own successes or demise by their actions.

drucyla @ 2007-11-06T23:58:00

2007-11-07T08:10:14Z

heh i have 4 dates so far this week, starting tonight. go me! lol it's really funny how things seem to fall together (or start to) just when they start getting a little desperate. well, i have no problem going a long time without dates n all, but since i'm going away for something so drastic in just a month, i wanted something. lol it's cool. my friend did a tarot reading for me yesterday morning, and it was all about i'm about to go through a change, and i need to be true to myself in order to get through it. all 5 cards were on this theme lol made me feel good about myself, a bit. eh, i try not to take too much stock in anything like that, but things DO seem to work out better for me when i'm living how i see fit, and not so much by the standards of others. i worked on a house somewhat yesterday... got to be a dyke! it was awesome, i kept smearing my friend with mud! my arms hurt and i was exhausted afterward because i worked out at 2 gyms and only got about 2 hours of sleep before i went, but it was fun. when we got back to my friend's place i passed out on her bed and woke up shoeless with a kitten on my butt! good times, good times!

well, anyway, i need to get ready for the date!

drucyla @ 2007-11-03T22:58:00

2007-11-04T07:17:46Z

eh, i hate being on restriction. i feel like a teenager. i'm not allowed to go out places, not allowed to have fun. i was invited to a party tonight. would have had fun. it's too late to head out now, even for something run by fellow night owls. at least most likely. eh. if i would have headed out around 9 or 10... eh. next week, maybe. i'm tired right now, oddly enough. i wish i had someone to cuddle. i don't trust most of the people who seem to like me. i need to go places and meet real life people, not internet personas. but i need to be able to go out at night to do that. i need to be able to travel to where the young people are. i'm not going to get anything if no one knows i'm available. something that seems to elude certain people. and i'm not interested in UGLY, normal people. you know, the buff guys with big burly jaws and scruffy faces, the chubby girls, the mundane. yes, i'm mainly looking to hook up, what's the problem? i happen to have a libido. the person i'm supposed to be in a relationship is far away fucking random homeless people, and i'm supposed to sit by and wait for someone 'perfect' to fall into my lap without playing the field at all? or wait until he poofs into something acceptable and magically comes home std-free and so forth? oh, until i magically get a 5k/week job with pay extending 5 months back? eh, grr! i'm not my brother, i know i'm just getting worse and worse as time goes by. eh. i'm tired, but i want to do all sorts of things. and i'm supposed to go to the gym in the morning. i'd rather go with the boys, it's easier and more fun. i DO like the empty gym. plus henry knows how to grow my biceps!

drucyla @ 2007-11-01T15:06:00

2007-11-01T23:18:14Z

Man, an i tired! i slept for about 10 hours so far, but it didn't feel like enough. i had a lot of things to do today, but i'm shirking them all. i don't think i need to work out, since the night before last i worked out until i felt sick, yesterday morning i ran about 3 miles before it was light, and last night i helped push my car up a hill. i'm glad that police officer came to help, though, he was strong!!! eh, i should get my car serviced, but i'm damn tired. my whole body hurts :/ stupid caffeine. i would have been better off not having any, that way i probably would have stayed home and slept. but eh, it was a fun and interesting adventure. some very drunk lady wanted my wings!

eh, now i'm off to costco. i need to get some cash of my own...

drucyla @ 2007-10-31T09:18:00

2007-10-31T17:20:13Z

...and then i realized he only loves it so much because he's been so high all the time...

drucyla @ 2007-10-31T02:10:00

2007-10-31T10:42:16Z

eh. just a little while ago i was woken up by izzy. didn't answer the phone when it went off, but he left a message. he's been sharing a sleeping bag with a 'model' on the streets of san francisco. apparently he's coming to hollywood with her next week. he's done so much acid it's not working for him anymore. he says the chick he's sleeping with is crazier than he is. he says he wears new clothes then throws them away, because people just leave shit out for the homeless. eh, a few years back i would have been really jealous. even now i'm irked somewhat, because just being free is fun, but eh, i'm no druggie and i have shit to take care of. even though it DOES suck out here, stupid desert. eh. i think i'll go out for a 5k to get the annoyed out of my system. it won't make fontana anything better than what it is, but at least i'll have exercise. i couldn't exercise to the extent i wanted to last night, because apparently 7+ mph for 5 mins or so makes my body go nuts. felt sick to my stomach an hour later, though i slowed down and walked for a while, and completely cooled down. even drank some non caffeinated soda.

i'm supposed to get up in about an hour and get ready to help my friend paint someone else's house all day. i don't think i want to, i'd rather sleep/do other things, but eh. i'm wide awake now, anyway. shit i just want someone really cool, adventurous, and intelligent to hang out with right now. though they mostly do drugs, especially around here. eh. stupid shit. 'my outfit doesn't look good sober, but it's awesome' fucking retard. eh, i'm in a hating everyone mode right now.

i was thinking i'd like to go to hollywood tonight, since it's halloween, but i'm thinking maybe not, i doubt i'd be able to meet anyone cool who's NOT a drug addict/into shit i'm not cool with. fuck, i'm angry now. grr!!!!!!!

damn it i have to do SOMETHING. don't know what yet. i think i'll call my friend and tell them i can't stay the whole day but can pick up some stuff i have over there and give them a ride, maybe, but then go do the transcript stuff, get my car its checkup, and then bust my ass to find something awesome. i think i'll do a lot of work around the house just to make my mom super happy, but i don't know what the hell i can really do. i want to fix my fucking hair. i want to make it some weird color, does anyone know how long food dye will stay in there? because that's where my options are at this point, pretty much. i have a card for gas, but that's the extent of my finances. maybe i can get someone to buy some cutco, though it wouldn't show up in my account for another week or two. fuck, i'm so strapped for cash and i'm going nuts! i HATE where i'm at so bad! it's crap... ok, so there are worse places, for instance the antelope valley, but it's DEAD so bad. eh.

drucyla @ 2007-10-29T01:20:00

2007-10-29T10:38:13Z

i worked out again last night and watched a clockwork orange while i waited to be taken home. interesting movie, all together good fun! my biceps are definitely getting bigger! i did possibly more than 300 sit ups, just kept doing them until i couldn't anymore, resting ,then doing more again. i need to do 100+ every day, i really do! i have just over a month left... but my arms have muscle!!!! i can't be more excited! my legs haven't been slimming down too much, at least not staying that way, which doesn't make me happy, but at least i can run at an ok speed for 20 mins without stopping now! yesterday i was between 5.5 and 6.5 mph most of the time. i need to get up to sustained 6+ mph, preferably 6.5+, but i'm happy with my 5.5 rest speed. next time i go i'll start off with cardio ( 5k run), then do weights with the males, then crunches, then another 20 mins/5k, whichever i feel up to, then crunches until everyone else wants to go. man, my heart rate was up to 180! felt good :) i'll push myself until i'm almost puking NOW, so i won't be later! hopefully, that is!

i decorated a little halloween ginger bread house from a kit we've had a while. it was fun :) the icing didn't want to glue things as well as it should have, or maybe i was a little impatient, but i got messy. my fingers are still a little black from the messy frosting :/ but it turned out cute. i've been eating all the extra frosting/candy and now i feel icky. my teeth especially! i hate sugary things sometimes!

i almost made a cheesecake today, then realized we didn't have any sweetened condensed milk. i also need to figure out what i'm going to do with that other crust, if i'm going to try to make a chocolate cheesecake. i've been thinking about it since i learned how to make cheesecake, but i've had some nasty chocolate versions so i'm afraid to experiment. plus it's not the cheapest desert to make! i'd have to go out and get cocoa or some other form of dark/unsweetened chocolate, because i doubt my nesquick would cut it! i'm thinking maybe i'll get some strawberries to throw in that too. i want to make cheesecake sooo bad, i wish i could make another one each week! if i could, i'd experiment and make turtle cheesecake, mocha cheesecake, vanilla latte cheesecake, strawberry, maybe even apple. man... once i'm 'grown up' i'll have such a stocked kitchen at all times, i'll be able to make whatever i wanted to whenever i wanted! see, this is why people pursue education and good jobs!

i wish i had better transportation these days. i don't have cash to fill up my tank, so i can't go anywhere. i feel like a jackass trying to ask people to fill up my tank for me, even my family, so i try not to. i would like to say i'm contributing to the household, but i know i'm not. i'm hardly even keeping up with my personal chores most of the time. i know it's because i'm depressed, but i can't seem to snap myself out of it. i don't know enough local people, especially not enough within walking distance. sometimes i tell myself i'm resting up for the 3 months of hell, but that's not true. if i want to do myself a favor, i should get used to being up all day/as much as possible with no caffeine, and not just sitting at home online/etc, but out doing things. running, expanding my mind, all that good stuff. i think tomorrow (provided i get up before 2 pm) i'll go up to chaffey. i have enough gas in the one car, though i'm not supposed to use it. meh. i can't do the same old thing anymore. if i were in a real metropolitan area and not just lame suburbia i'd go out at all hours of the night, walking everywhere. like i used to. like i did last week in alhambra. but there's nothing to see out here, especially alone. well, the alone part's the biggest. i'll see if my friend's still local, she'd be up for a hills adventure, i'm sure! eh, it's too late tonight :/ maybe tomorrow before i gym it.

cookie's been in love with me lately, won't leave my side for very long. it's as if he knows i won't be here for much longer. either that, or he still misses his dad, like my mom says. or maybe i've just been home more. whatever the deal, he's a sweetie. i'm going to miss him in boot camp, don't know how i'll fall asleep without that big tom rumble!

i haven't dated in a while, which sort of concerns me. not like i can't get any dates, more like i haven't been going out and socializing with other young people. sometimes i fear if i don't start spending normal times with normal young people i'll forget how to do it. not a big fear, but it's there sometimes. sometimes i feel socially awkward. i haven't been like this in ages. i was so confidant for so long, it's weird that all of a sudden i'm not. i think it's a side effect of not having a partner at my side 24/7, not having a 'special someone'. it's really damaging in some ways. because even if everyone else is being strange, i'd still have that 1 person to acknowledge my existence, to interact with, one of my own kind. eh. sometimes i think maybe i really was just a little hard on the guy, and maybe i don't deserve anyone better. or maybe there just isn't anyone better. or back again to the same first issue, maybe there's someone better, maybe they even want me, just not when i'm wanting them. or needing them. eh. or maybe i can just get over it. call over some people for meaningless bodily exchange. meh. someday i'll find someone who's sane AND beautiful AND incredibly intelligent AND dedicated AND healthy AND is attracted to me just as much as i am to them. someday.

drucyla @ 2007-10-26T00:33:00

2007-10-26T07:58:31Z

i now have a litter of ugly kids with jan on facebook. we're trying for a mandy, as in billy and, since we've claimed her as our lovechild many years ago. but none are popping out like her. i even changed my genetic profile to blond, but the last kid popped out with black hair. wtf? lol we've been having fun giving them stupid bios. in the mean time i 'adopted' a little androgynous thing that was supposed to be a girl but it's now a boy. because i say it is!

i chopped my hair off today. myself. i suck at the sides/back, but i got it even enough so it looks great in pigtails. and i have little hairs in between them!!!!! fun to play with :] i won't let it down though... looks like crap! i wonder if straightening it would make it easier to snip... i shall try that tomorrow! i'm itchy though. anyway, i took about 3" off the back, about 1" off the sides, and angled everything else. oh, and the fringe starts around my lips. definitely can be snipped straight across in about a month!

i also took out my septum U. i miss it already. i'm mourning my loss! but... i can't risk infection in boot camp, and i don't know how long it will take to heal over. i need to antibiotic ointment it now, don't want to wake up to an infected nose!

i picked up the kitten from pasadena and took it to chino hills. he now has a couple girlfriends. he got big, apparently he did nothing but eat, anyway. food will do wonders to a growing young animal! i hope all the cats wind up ok...

oh, and i still haven't heard from israel. maybe he's making it somewhere. i just hope i can find him when i need to, say in 4 months.

drucyla @ 2007-10-22T04:53:00

2007-10-22T12:21:10Z

ugh.

the neighborhood's blowing apart. we're experiencing gusts up to 80 mph right now. most of the wooden fences in the area are down. a bunch of dogs are roaming everywhere. my back yard is now about 5 times as big and connects to the street. the neighbor's fence took out 3 of her 5 banana trees. in the park just over the fence from my house a tall tree is being supported by other trees. i haven't been on the roads since yesterday morning, but branches were everywhere. good-sized ones with a ton of leaves all over them. from trees that withstand strong winds every year and don't break like this. at about 10 am there was no loose sand in my back yard at all. my dog's terrified to do her business. i don't know what happened to the neighbors' dogs, any of them. i'm hoping they're all inside. this wind storm is supposed to continue for another couple days. i don't think i want to go out if i can help it.

i'm still sick. i worked out for a 3-4 hours yesterday. did almost an hour of cardio. worked out until all of my body was very tired. then came home to all this mess. i didn't want to fall asleep, couldn't for a while because my body was all tense and things are just strange. i was supposed to go to pasadena and pick bug back up to vet him n deparasite him. i'm going to have to figure out something to do on that front. i'm trying to take as little medicine as i can, though my sinuses are pissing me off and i have cramps and am exhausted still, though i slept from 5 pm to almost midnight. i'm a little sore already, but i know i'll be a lot more sore after i finally get back to sleep again. i think i'll take more sinus medicine, it has pain killers that should make my whole body feel better. with some hot chocolate.

drucyla @ 2007-10-19T03:31:00

2007-10-19T10:58:02Z

i gave bug away. he's happy in pasadena right now, with a new name, mommy, and big sister. before we parted we took a walk around pasadena. he was in my purse hollywood bitch style. little demon kitty in my purse :] when we were almost back to the car i saw a dying little rat in the middle of the sidewalk. i'm thinking maybe it was poisoned, since people don't like rats in the city. it wasn't moving much. i took pics of it and the kitten. cuteness overload! but i felt sorry for that rat. not like i could do anything, though. it could have been diseased.

i like pasadena. not as much as san francisco, but it really is similar. it's been a while since i've been there, since i've really looked at the buildings and everything. it's so artistic, just like san francisco. not as many people, not as big, not up and down and up and down slopes and back again. but it's nice. i miss living out that way. i really do.

i'm really starting to get in shape. my stamina's not great, but now i can keep up with most of them. my legs are noticeably slimming down! i'm just waiting for my waist to do the same. i need to get more serious about running every day, and those damn crunches. i can do a pull up unassisted now. just one, but soon it'll be 2, then more. and i can sort of do a couple push ups now, not just push offs. my arms aren't really slimming down or getting bigger, but they are getting firmer. they feel weird. today i was half dressed and for some reason wound up in front of a full-length mirror, and my abs seem to have definition from the sides. weird, considering they still jiggle when smacked. my weight's been rather consistent. unless i really get serious about eating only super healthy foods and not that often, i'm thinking maybe i won't be able to lose that 10 lbs. but i don't want to be sick all the time. i get sick easily. i'm sick right now. but i think if i get super fit then boot won't be so stressing, hence greater immunity. or maybe if i get all the sick out of my system (yeah, like it works like that) i won't be able to get sick come december. eh. woo, swamps in december.

drucyla @ 2007-10-12T00:27:00

2007-10-12T08:43:49Z

2 of my friends came over for a couple days, and that was interesting. they were trying to play lesbian matchmaker, and i actually kinda like one of the people they introduced me to. lol i asked them if they know any other locals! eh... apparently most female marines are somewhat homosexual by the time they're out of boot camp. so maybe it'll be a little fun for me?

i got a kitten from the girl my friends had me meet... i doubt i'll keep it, but it is the CUTEST thing ever! a really coppery brown tabby of the tux variety, but the tux is a little big so only his little toe tips stick out... and he has a goatee! i've never seen a cat with one! i was thinking i'd call him foxy or something like that, because he looks a bit like a fox, but then as i was trying to get to sleep last night while being pestered nonstop for over an hour, i thought bug would be a better name for him. like love bug, and also he starts to bug! thankfully today he decided that toys can be as fun as purring and heatbutting, at least sometimes. the big cats hiss at him, but haven't touched him. yet. i lock him up in a room when i'm not able to directly supervise him, so they don't have much of a chance to harm him. but he's just fine with them, doesn't hiss back or rowl or anything, just looks at them and keeps purring or whatever he's doing. he's even fine with the dog. he cringed a little at first, probably because he's never seen anything like that before, but he let her lick him and even flop his ears over. he's such a sweetie! i don't think i've ever seen such a lover! i don't think blackie was even this sweet! anyway, another friend wanted a kitten like this, so hopefully she'll take him. i know she'll treat him well if she does. i'd LOVE to keep him, but... i wasn't sure if i'd be able to from the start, seeing as we have 4 cats in the house already and i'll be gone in less than 2 months for 13 weeks! but he was too damn cute to resist! even cuter than the fluffy panda le peu! and sweet.... artificial sweetener in kitty form!!!!!! he reminds me a bit of my kitty machelle, the first kitty of mine southridge ate. but more coppery, especially right by the white parts.

anyhoo... i think izzy's out of my life for ever! the day he got out of the mental hospital (the day before yesterday?) he brought over some girl he met in there, and apparently he wanted to stay with her but couldn't... so he made up this story that his mommy was kicking him out, that he needed to figure out the prices for a greyhound ticket, and that he hoped some guy would take him in and he'd give him sex in exchange for everything. whoring himself out, in his words. but, not the kind that has a pimp. and some other bullshit. i told him to have fun... apparently he was trying to use this sob story to get me to let him back in. like i'm retarded or something. then he begged me for a ride to the greyhound station... even if i wanted to i couldn't have! he had the nerve to keep calling my mom and leaving her pathetic messages. later i talked with his mom, and she says she never kicked him out. sometimes she'd give him ultimatums, but never kicked him out and always welcomed him back. i doubt she'd lie to me that much... and he's hypersensitive and manipulative. i hate people like that. and, NO, most people are NOT manipulative like that! most will be a little at times, but not 24/7, and usually with good reason, not merely from laziness. but yeah... his mom said she got him a ticket, and he left... i haven't heard from him today, so i'm assuming that he's really gone! my friends and i were taking bets on where he really is, and how long it will be before he comes crawling back somewhere.

my mom insisted that i talk with her tonight while she fell asleep, i think the 1st time she's ever done that, but she says my dad was much the same way izzy is. just didn't really do anything, really immature. she said that she held out hope for a long time that he'd snap out of it and grow up, and then we could all be a happy family again. and that's most likely what led to all the fights and to what my dad refers to as inconsistent behavior on her part. i remember, she'd be nice, but then he'd do something that would just remind her too much of things she didn't want to remember, or get back into, and she'd get cold n hard. just like i do with izzy anymore. but since he absolutely refuses to remain on his meds anymore it's easier to stay pissed at him and not give him an inch. she says she's glad i realize he's not going to grow up now, while i'm still young. i AM glad i got out of this when i did, because now i can see more of his true colors. yeah, he can charm the hell out of someone, but i know all of his tricks! he gets so angry when i combat his games with logic... CALM logic... it's kinda funny... especially since i know he can't do anything to mess with me anymore! even if he does the most fucked up thing he can, file for divorce or a separation before i'm out of boot camp, i'll just divorce him and move on! i mean... there's nothing he can do to hurt me. i've already seen him with other girls, so that's out of the way. i've even seen him with a girl that obviously liked him a lot, someone he'd say is a lot prettier than me. yeah, that bugged, but... eh. i managed to be social. eh. but i have good friends and family and i'm strong, smart, and balanced myself, so shit's not going to fuck me over!

eh... too ranty... and it's late... i want to sleep, and my lap is being warmed by a little boy.

drucyla @ 2007-10-04T12:49:00

2007-10-04T20:21:56Z

i'm actually starting to enjoy my little vacation away from everything! i fed my aunt and her kids yesterday, and should see them in a few hours, and i've met a couple locals AND found a really cool inexpensive jewelry store and have new things for the nose!!! it's currently black and red, but i also have purple which i'll probably only use the points of for when i go to clubbing rainbow style! and i have a clear thing which if i can just figure out how to freaking get on i should be good for boot! yay! tonight i'll probably hang out with some females or check out valencia... or i'll go just a little further into the valley and visit some relatives and possibly some other people...

in other news, being the super generous person i am i offered to take izzy to his friend's place on sunday, which was along the way to my granny's. izzy freaked because i didn't call the friend beforehand at a number i didn't even have. the next day he swore he was running away, but really wanted me to pick him up. i didn't. the next night (tuesday) he begged and offered me cash for gas. i said ok, possibly. not 100% yes, just i'll see what i can do. i tried to get a hold of his friend that drives, but no luck. then my friend kat called and told me it was stupid to drive at least 3 hours in the middle of the night round-trip to pick up someone i really didn't have room for in my car. especially someone who's used and hurt me so much previously. she offered to talk with him and tell him i couldn't take him. i would have told him myself, but eh. maybe 5 minutes later i got a call from izzy wondering why i sent kat to tell him. i told him what happened, what the situation was. he said he'd fit in the car, he was down to one bag. that sounded fishy to me, since these were really small bags. i asked him if that included meds... and he said no, he's not going to take them anymore. he hadn't for the past week. no wonder why he wasn't making sense or following logic quite like he should. and why he was trying to molest me so bad the last time i had seen him. i told him to get the hell out of my life and go kill himself. that i didn't want anything to do with him ever again. a couple minutes after i hung up on him kat's gf called and of course i was quite pissed and whenever i'm pissed like that i can't help crying, butr she talked me down and made me feel better. while i was on the phone with her the dumb ass psycho tried calling 3 or 4 times, but i didn't answer! i posted a bulletin on myspace about how i'm done with giving up on him. really ranted. also warned others not to be at all similar or they're gone from my life as well. yesterday i heard he had checked him into the local hospital the same night i told him off. he doesn't want to lose me or something. well, i'm through caring. he's too damn late. there are plenty of people out there that are just as smart, interesting, attractive, and so on as him, if not more! plus a lot of them are not crazy! i'm not sure i even want anyone right now. i mean, i'm young and healthy so i have my drives, but i have to learn to live with myself too. i'd rather play in a band or take up surfing or something like that... or just get a lot of locals together for fun times!

drucyla @ 2007-09-21T00:53:00

2007-09-21T08:14:15Z

i picked up izzy from the hospital yesterday, set off to his mom's, got into a big argument that i doubt the onlookers enjoyed, calmed down, talked things out a bit, got too late to take him to his mommy's so i let him crash over, he made a mess in the kitchen while having a really nasty attitude, resulting in me getting angry again and telling him to take the bus home, which apparently he did.

my mom seems to think i should have left him in the hospital... but i can't really do that. i'm still liable for the bill, there's no reason to grow it. it's only an emergency facility, anyway, not a long-term vare facility. i think she thought it was for some reason. kept saying there's nothing i can do, like i should bury my head in the sand and shout 'lalalalaalalalalalalalalalalala' until the end of time. i HAD to do something, wasn't about whether i COULD, the question was WHAT. still is the question, pretty much.

he seems to get enjoyment from playing games with me, trying to get all these emotions out of me. he's good at it. it's what he devotes his intellect to. i think people like him have no reason to exist, they just want to fuck with others. it's not right. it makes me want to do whatever i can to fuck with him. and i know how also. he's a good teacher, unintentionally. though he tries HARD to pretend things don't bother him, i know they do. i have my arsenal. i just need to be a little more careful of what i do, and take him down.

drucyla @ 2007-09-19T13:07:00

2007-09-19T20:30:15Z

ok apparently the spouse is already being released... which is understandable, considering i mainly took him there so he'd have meds again right away. and get off the streets somewhere safe, all that stuff. i can always refuse to pick him up, and make him stay that way, but eh... i'm thinking i should give his parents back their luggage, i already gave back the shampoo he had sloten from his little brother. maybe it's up to me to teach him it's wrong to steal? not like he'd remember, anyway, he'd just remember i was mean to him, that's how he always sees everything.

apparently his mother never even said he needed to go with them to church, and he only went a couple times anyway. it was just the fact they went 3 times a week, 'on any days other than sunday', that made him incredibly angry. since i'm going past his friend's house in a couple weeks, i'm thinking maybe i should have him use the couch, but i'll volunteer with a church every day. it doesn't bother me, i don't believe in god whatsoever, but most churches are all about helping others and making society better, which i completely support. and it's not like i have a lot going on these days...

we got all the windows redone with double paned windows, and it's awesome! they actually shut out more noise than most windows, it's weird. i haven't noticed the energy-saving qualities yet, since it's been really nice lately, and is actually quite cool right now. tonight i'm sure i'll notice a difference, it's bound to get cold! it's also nice having a window that opens in the downstairs bathroom! there is no ventilation in that area, and it's right off the kitchen. i love these windows so much... the new bathroom one has a removable screen, but only from the inside, and the other screens slide so i can toss things out the window easily if i want, or if the kitties were allowed out they'd have new doors lol

today's soooo beautiful, i wish i could go jogging again instead of picking up the spouse... but i told them i'd go, meh. i'll go jogging this evening, hopefully it's not already cold by then! what's up with this weather, it was omfg HOT for a while, now it's very cool for september, as cool as some winter days... only 72 today...

drucyla @ 2007-09-18T11:43:00

2007-09-18T18:56:04Z

yesterday i ran into the spouse, and convinced him to check into the local mental ward. he'd been without his meds for at least a day. he says he lost them, but i'm thinking maybe he sold them, he's done it before. it's kinda hard to lose that many sample boxes. either that or they're still at his mother's house. i'm not sure what we'll do with him once he's released, since we don't want him back at my mother's and he doesn't seem to want to live with his family. maybe they'll put him in a board n care, but then he'll be a flight risk again. meh. but at least right now he's locked up. eh, why won't people just get with the program? it's SO lame and retarded. he expressed gratitude for how i cared for him. yeah, so i can't help worrying, but he's a liability too. i kinda wish i never would have met him. yeah, i've grown a lot because of him, but... eh. too much drama and trouble.

drucyla @ 2007-09-17T02:31:00

2007-09-17T09:39:22Z

You have always been on the move seeking affectionate, satisfying and harmonious relationships. Your ultimate goal has been the realisation of an intimate union in which there could be love, self-sacrifice and mutual trust. It has often been said that 'True love is just around the corner' and - if you haven't found it as yet - you possibly soon will.

You seem to lack the energy of late to get up and go. Your objectives appear to be unattainable and no one seems to care. You feel lost, neglected and need some W.T.C. (Warm tender care).

You feel that you deserve far more than is being attributed to you, but there is no-one to whom you can turn to for sympathy and understanding. Your pent-up emotions and inherent egocentricity make you quick to take offence, but as matters stand you realise that you will have to make the best of things as they are.

Setback after setback has resulted in considerable stress and now you have got to the stage where you are continuously on your guard, not only to protect yourself from others but to protect yourself from yourself. It would seem that many of your unfulfilled hopes and dreams have led to uncertainty and suspicion. You no longer wish to answer to others and you are insisting on freedom of thought. You feel that you are fully self-sufficient and can control your own destiny. You are seeking ways to protect yourself from further loss of prestige and against further setbacks. You have become very dependent and you doubt that matters could possibly get any better in the immediate future and this negative attitude is leading you to exaggerate your claims and to refuse reasonable compromise.

You wish to be left in peace... no more conflict and no more differences of opinion. In fact you just don't want to be involved in arguments of any shape or form. All you want is for 'them' to get on with it - and to leave you alone

from http://www.paulgoldin.com/colorgenics.htm

drucyla @ 2007-09-14T21:36:00

2007-09-15T04:48:53Z

someone decided to go missing today, supposedly on his way to san francisco. stuffed his things into his mother's duffel bag, and headed out right after leaving me a message telling me i better call soon or i won't know where he is for a while. he has no money, no food, and who knows what kind of meds supply. knowing him, he'll probably try to sell his meds. i might never see him again, or if i do it might not be HIM anymore, because we all know what's floating around san francisco and what that stuff does to fragile minds like his. realistically, i'm all for him doing whatever his retarded heart desires, it's just that i'm supposed to be happily married to him at the moment, and if something goes wrong i might not be able to go to boot camp. and i REALLY want to go to boot camp. but this is more proof of how unstable he really is. he got mad that he was treated like a child, even though he acts like one. his family is trying to become more religious so that other crap can't distract them as easily, so that they can become better individuals, and of course he sees it as a direct attack on him. boo hoo. if i see him again i don't know what i'll do.

drucyla @ 2007-09-14T15:47:00

2007-09-14T23:16:21Z

i've started being able to sleep again. i am sick again, because apparently i do not take good care of myself. i want to stop smoking socially, even if it's a good bonding ritual. even though it's a good way to talk with people i like.

i took cookie to see his dad the other day, and we wound up spending the whole night together, visiting people because 'it was too late for him to go home' and i kinda wanted him to remember what he's lost. yeah, bitchy and probably not healthy for either of us, but my excuse is that cookie missed him. and still does. cookie LOVES his daddy :/ but anyway, i got to see izzy's sad attempt to pick up on a rather unattractive and unintelligent teenager. the sad thing is in some ways they're at the same level. at first i was jealous at the thought of him with someone else, but after only a few minutes around her i was cracking up so bad inside! it was hard not to show it to her! OMG was this girl dumb! and this was who he was hoping would be his girlfriend? he says better girls, almost unbelievably great ones, have been flirting with him too, just he's too afraid to like them or something... i don't believe it lol it doesn't matter... i'm moving further and further along... i talked with him on the phone today and didn't feel emotional or anything during/after. eh. he seemed really appalled when i asked if he's met any other new people, it made me laugh inside. i didn't give him any reason to think we're exclusive, what, just because i made him get me money to replace all the gas we used? eh, he'll get over it lol

right when i was about to pass out last night a friend called me up and had me give her directions over and gave me legal intoxication... my mom says i sound happier now than i have in a while... i guess kissing girls does that to me? lol but i HAVE been getting good sleep lately...

i probably have a lot going on tonight, as long as i have gas money and can get others to pay what they will. which is easy. so... yay me? lol

drucyla @ 2007-09-10T18:29:00

2007-09-11T01:43:08Z

i'm tired of not being in school. it would do me a lot of good to be in classes. unfortunately, it's the 3rd week of classes already, and i ship off to boot camp about 3 weeks before the semester is finished. so i'm looking at all the local schools to see where i might be able to take a shorter class or two.

i need to do something for money as well. going out places costs a lot of money, which is bad if you don't have any coming in! so... i need to work on that. plus i won't be so bored and won't WANT to go out as much if i'm working my ass off. so... double plus :)

i just don't know what i'll do, exactly. i was supposed to call the car insurance people today, to tell them i will be gone for half of the next 6 months of my policy. since i just got the renewal bill. hopefully we'll get to work it out so it's monthly, eh. i'll call tomorrow, it's too late anymore.

so that's 2 things to do tomorrow: call insurance, and visit/call local schools about short-program classes.

drucyla @ 2007-09-09T02:22:00

2007-09-09T09:33:11Z

i did my first ist yesterday morning. i did really well on everything except for the run. i need to lose at least a minute. it was so rough on me i almost vomited. my calf is still tight. i really need to stop with the cancerous thingies. i should stop those anyway, but everyone around me has them and they do comfort me. like drinking and 'intimacy'. i shouldn't rely on those anyway, i need to get better at handling myself :( but things are progressing, whatever winds up happening. lol i'm 'popular' when i don't quite want it, and super lonely and bored when everyone's in hiding. it be sad.

i have some good music, though... and good music always makes things better!