philos sophia

Mon, 10 Aug 2009 06:48:19 GMT

I posted this in my myspace blog, then thought it might as well be here. Not that I expect a lot of you to be particularly interested, but hey. I was originally intending this to be with pics, or even a supercool webcast, but I'm still rather sick and it took long enough just to write it all out... after cooking, even.

At least 10 of you have personally requested this, so I'm finally posting it. This is my basic recipe, just about everything can be altered some way or another. It's time-consuming, yes, but it's damn good. And... fresh means FRESH!!!! If you don't know how to tell, look it up or ask. No one wants a bowl of funk, seriously.

You need:
Counter
Large Pot
Large Frying Pan
LARGE Cutting Board
SHARP!!! Chef's knife, also something smaller.
Garlic Press

Cooking Oil
Basic seasonings (Black Pepper, Salt, Dill, Rosemary, Bouillon, etc.)
Rice

Fresh:
3-4 Carrots
1 Red Onion
Garlic
2-4 leaves Bok Choy
Potatoes (Golden or red, NEVER brown!)
Italian Brown Mushrooms
1 Serrano Pepper

Frozen:
Meat (usually boneless/skinless chicken thighs, but sometimes meatballs, steak, bacon, hamburger, etc.)
Spinach
White Corn

Optional add ins:
Yellow Squash
Stewed Tomatoes
Bell Peppers
Napa Cabbage
Frozen broccoli
Whatever else is in the fridge/freezer/pantry

To cook:
Fill pot 1/2 - 3/4 with water, put on stove. Season heavily with bouillon/dill/rosemary/own seasoning preference. Throw oil, black pepper n salt in frying pan, put on stove. Start cutting up hardest stuff first, throw in big pot. When oil is hot, throw in meat, lower heat. From here on you're pretty much alternating chopping stuff for the pot/frying pan, you want the onion/garlic in with the meat before it's all that cooked so it absorbs the flavor, but you still want veggies to go into the big pot in a timely manner. Remember, hardest items in first, softer in last. In the frying pan: Onion, garlic, serrano, mushrooms, breaking up meat as you go/checking for doneness. Everything else goes in the big pot, checking the seasoning from time to time. About 1/2 way through the veggies the meat should be about done, so just dump everything from that pan into the pot. That should be about time for the Bok Choy/frozen corn, and pretty much the last seasoning adjustment. The rice/spinach should be about the last, wait till the rice is cooked, then serve. Enough for a crowd, hopefully you invested in some tupperware.

To make veggie: No meat, if desired you can still lightly fry the frying pan items, but it's easier just to toss them into the pot at appropriate times and add some oil. This is especially good when tomatoes/olive oil are used, but can be delicious with just the plain jane stuff too. You can also just substitute some of that fake meat stuff you guys seem to like so much, you know how that goes better than I do.

*****

My mom's wandering around behind me calling for her wet, naked, black dog. In those words.

Now to clean the kitchen :(

Fri, 07 Aug 2009 07:41:36 GMT

I feel like shit. Shitty shit.

Didn't wake up to my alarm the first 2 hours it was going off inches from my head, but when I did the first thing i noticed was my sinuses were rather congested. That n the time. Called Kristen n told her I could be there in about 30 mins, since it was already almost time for me to pick her up. Went up the stairs, which was hard, legs felt all sorts of weak... and collapsed on the floor of my room. Stayed there a bit, wondering wtf i should do... i was also dizzy, when i stood/moved i felt extremely nauseous, and i just wanted to get stuff done. I realized there was no way I could drive the 40+ mins to work at that time, no fucking way. I was trying to figure out whether it was just from depression/tiredness, because that could always be cured with caffeine/willpower, or whether i should actually stay in bed. In the end i texted Kristen and told her i couldn't do it... and passed back out. woke up at 2 pm (the other stuff was about 8:50-9am) freaking out. I hadn't gotten texts/calls/etc back from ANYONE... and I didn't want to just call the attendance lady at work... i tried calling the team leader, but she wasn't answering. left her a message, then talked w/Kristen on myspace. Apparently she had already been bitched out by the team leader and fired... they threw in her face that the both of us were supposed to be promoted that day, but we're gone instead. Yelled at her. Stupid shit, as if we hadn't given enough to that damn place. Kristen had no ride, and she tried to reach her anyway. Then I got in touch with the other closer... she was like DAMN, wtf? but didn't say anything about what was going on other than people were pissed. Sortly after the team leader finally called and told me she's sorry to hear what happened, but we can come bye and pick up our stuff at any time. And yes, I was set to be moved into accounting that day. But none of it mattered anymore, because we didn't show up n no call. She even told me to not be a stranger in the future... I really got along with her, but... she knew what the place was doing to us all. Enh.

At least I have applications to fill out/turn in. And I called the base about December's drill. I'll have to wait till next drill weekend, but at least they've been reminded... again. And should be able to print up that letter. So I can (maybe?) put in my active duty packet. All is not lost.

I really wanted to go to the show in pomona tonight, but I guess it's just as well. Apparently I'm going to a show in Fontana tomorrow with another neglected friend set. Hopefully I feel well enough to get off my ass and get everything else done that I need to tomorrow, and maybe even finally visit the library again. it's been ages, and FF6 is a poor substitute for a book to fall asleep in, and the Asimov book (the only one in the house that looked remotely interesting and I didn't remember verbatim) isn't quite interesting enough.

I really should cook, but don't feel like it. I think I wanna be taken care of like a little baby right now, but there's no one to do that.

Also, I have become addicted to the birls community on here. It's crack. Between that n cutshort... yeah. And... apparently my little fauxhawkable pixie's pretty stylish. I gotta say... I'm digging it.

Wed, 03 Jun 2009 23:53:38 GMT

Ok, a few other things:

I am cutting the hair. Myself. Again. The back needs to go, as I can't wear pigtails in the field, or in uniform period, and 2 weeks is a long time for short hair that's already getting long. The rest is workable, though it would be neat to shorten the front again.

Also, thanks to a very unseasonable thunderstorm, my lap was full of petrified midsized dog for a while. The cats are fine, just the 45-lb dog thinks it's gonna eat her. Even though we're in the house, apparently it can still get her. And she hasn't been out to potty all day. Thankfully, saliva was the only fluid she let loose on me.

Wow, the thunder just set off alarms. Now I hear sirens, yes, plural.

What an odd day.

My sleeping patterns are the least of it, though probably enhance it for me.

Tue, 02 Jun 2009 07:18:33 GMT

</div>

Oh, and...

Sat, 28 Mar 2009 11:40:21 GMT

I am in love with this band.

Tue, 17 Feb 2009 01:44:03 GMT

This video pretty sums up my weekend.

<a href="http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=3451467">The Cure - Friday I'm In Love</a> <object width="425px" height="360px" ><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"/><param name="movie" value="http://mediaservices.myspace.com/services/media/embed.aspx/m=3451467,t=1,mt=video"/><embed src="http://mediaservices.myspace.com/services/media/embed.aspx/m=3451467,t=1,mt=video" width="425" height="360" allowFullScreen="true" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"></embed></object>

More to follow.

Mon, 09 Feb 2009 21:54:37 GMT

Oh yeah, and 94.9 was having another coup d'etat weekend. On my ride home, the girl played some pinback and modest mouse I've never heard before, I couldn't call her dinosaur jr but I called the rest. fun. I need to look up the other bands this guy is in, though the girl said pinback was her favorite. supposedly they play some show out there every year, which makes sense because they're from san diego anyway. so... that's on my priority list for bands I want to see. yes. I also must find that modest mouse song. fucking awesome. Can't remember the name though :(

Oh, an they said something about Radiohead's In Rainbows winning the grammy for best album? It's a weird album for that, but... it's awesome anyway. They've really owned this year, with In Rainbows, then that best of album? o m g. I'm hoping i heard right... forgot to check so far. Would be weird for one of my most awesomely favorite bands to become popular though, you know how that shit is. It's weird, damn it, tasteless mainstream jugs aren't supposed to like it!

Mon, 09 Feb 2009 21:34:42 GMT

I am way too sore. Not only did we do the combat fitness test saturday morning, we did a pretty major pt session sunday morning too. Even my feet are cramped up,. I think I need a major massage. I worked out the pay issue for at least January, but the guy who did the December stuff wasn't there. I need to wait to work that out exactly, but I'm excited, I should get paid for that huge weekend!!!!! I won't get paid tons, but I should still get paid a decent amount. I got a new squad leader, he's NBC and pretty interesting. New to the unit, I think newly a sgt as well. Apparently I am the senior marine in my MOS in the unit now, and i haven't had any hands-on training yet. There might be a sgt or ssgt that can do some training with me and the pfc though. My squad leader said he might be able to hook something up with that. Oh, and I'm not the jr lcpl anymore.

Saturday night my roomie took me out to eat and watch movies. We set out to watch Coraline, but by the time we got there it was sold out (by a few minutes only!) so we got tickets to push. We decided we really wanted to see Coraline also, and we didn't mind not getting tons of sleep, so we got tickets to the next showing. It was a Dakota Fanning night. She's better as Coraline. I really liked that movie, though it did have a bit of a video game feel sometimes. Really creepy for a kids movie though. Very dark. If I were a kid and I watched that, I'd have major nightmares.

I cooked picadillo Friday, and it turned out pretty damn good. Since at least a couple of you won't know what the hell that is, picado is mexican (spanish?) for minced/chopped all tiny. So... a pot full of stuff chopped all tiny. start off with ground beef, then the chopping, chopping, chopping. Onion, carrots, potatoes, zucchini, tomatoes, corn, cilantro, ajo, all sorts of stuff. Simmer it, spoon it on those flat crispy taco shells with some mayo/crema, crumble some cotijo on it, maybe some tapatio or crushed habanero, and... deliciousness. I fed it to Valerie last night when she came over to borrow my washer. I had a double helping myself :)

I think today I'll make pasta of some sort. I have a big thing of Italian sheep's cheese that I'm hoping is roughly the same as that French stuff I was using for a while, at least a little (not really) spicy sausage, a few tomatoes, some sauce, pasta, and... ? I can also make fajitas, but I think I need new tortillas, the 5 or so we have left are probably moldy by now. Actually, I think I'll make soup. It's cold, miserable, and rainy, I'm sore and tired, what would be better than a big pot of healthy, hot, fresh n chunky soup? Mmmm, I'm figuring it out now! Tomatoes in the soup, lots of black pepper, garlic, a serrano, maybe some cheese on top? the mini penne, the last of the potatoes? I can use my new thing of tomato soup base! mmm, I think that's perfect. Pasta for later this week. Once I get more tomatoes and stuff, and probably some better meat. Seafood, i think. Been wanting to cook it with seafood.

Shit, I'm tired. last night I fell asleep probably around 3, and was up around 10. Friday/Saturday I slept round midnight, had to be out of the room before 5:45am. I think I've earned a day in my nice, warm bed with a book or 3. Mmmm, my warm, soft, squishy bed with with vibrating heaters that appear spontaneously when I'm there. Good night :)

Jan, if you reads this before tonight (or even if, whatevs) maybe you can come over and bake cookies, or maybe i can go over and bake some there? I think everyone would love some soup and hot, fresh cookies on a day like this. You haves my #, yo.

Mon, 12 Jan 2009 20:09:06 GMT

This past weekend was another drill weekend. I got in trouble because my id did another disappearaing trick, and we were in the field. We were supposed to get weapons on friday, and do our stuff through sunday. I had to stay on base and sleep in a tent out front of the bldg friday night, so I could get my ID saturday, and wait around forever, miss the 6 mile hike, and look like a dumb ass being the only one without a weapon. On the entertainment side, I got to frighten many upper ranks with my mad coughing skillz. I got to move stretchers with 'injured' marines around, and watched over our CO navy guy instruct the corpsman on procedures and stuff. Crosstraining is fun, especially since I've done NO training in my MOS since I've been here. It's sad, though, that my arms have gotten so scrawny lately. I need to do more pushups and stuff. Being in a platoon and doing pushups makes it a lot easier to do, let me tell you! Oh man, I'm sore.

Once again I didn't get up early enough to get out and get a job right away, but I think if I at least get a run in, find a way to cash my $180 check from KDS and buy a couple necessities, and do some moderate weight training, I'll be good. I did talk with my platoon sgt about going active somehow, so hopefully that will get results of some kind.

I get to host Bunco this week, and I need to figure out how I'm going to do that. I think I'll run over to my friend's and set that up, that way i'll get my run, and she and I can set things up, then maybe we can go out in my car later and get prizes and so on.

Overall, I need a bit of an attitude adjustment, but I think the 3 day field drill did something to that effect. I got to bullshit with NCOs, pretty got to meet/get to know my unit more than I did before. I really needed to spend some time with new people, or at least people I don't see too often, and do interesting things that don't involve intoxication. That, and seeing a lot of the sun. I'm not so pasty anymore! I just need to continue on with this. If I don't get to activate I might just take that exercise class from chaffey. Supposedly I can use a gym membership as a tax write off, since I need to keep in shape as part of my government job.

It's funny how easily I return to being perky and optimistic. I sure wasn't by friday morning. Part of it I know is going outside and keeping in shape, which is the easiest to take control of at this time. I think I should just forget about that which I can't do other than that for now... If I'm taking control and performing, then things seem to happen more the way I want them to.

Musings

Wed, 07 Jan 2009 02:02:07 GMT

My brother and I have been having a debate on where there is such things as universal beauty, or universally good movies, artwork, music, and so on, or whether the specifics are arbitrary.

I argue there is no universal perfection. Sure, there is perfection in that youthfulness, health, lack of deformities is generally preferred, but as for specific facial features, skin tone, size, even shape, are a matter of preference, and while most people can agree on whether someone's pretty, they disagree on what makes one perfectly beautiful. Our focus was on women, but I'd say the variance for male beauty probably ranges further. From talking with many people and noticing their trends, I have noticed that what one person finds the sexiest thing on the planet can be downright revolting to another. I won't go into details here, that's not my point.

The argument for preference can be extended to artistic ventures as well. One can argue the complexity of the piece/work/etc., or depth of symbolism, or its influence, popularity, or probably a billion other such things. But what it comes down to, in the end, is whether an individual likes it or not. I think it's beyond arguing that people all like different things. I think concepts of perfection are highly individual, and mold along with that individual. I say it's highly integrated with the concept of taste.

My brother argues there is something outside and beyond personal preference, something categorizable. He argues that a preference of something else is just 'feminine, emotional tendencies' and not abstract identification of beauty and 'good'. Just an example of emotions coloring viewpoints, which would be realized when presented with an example of perfection. That, or the person's just being contrary.

I'm very curious as to what other people think of this. I'd like to hear some other arguments for either side, or why we're both wrong and how. I'm wondering if there's a way to argue it without semantics getting in the way.

By the way, this leads into my argument for choice, if anyone's familiar with the argument against it.

And Jan, leave Henrita out of this. I bet if I looked hard enough I could find people who thought he wasn't superhot. Just because he has lesbian-turning power doesn't mean shit. I bet an Anglophile wouldn't like him, so there. And leave their jealousy out of it!

to do list:

Tue, 23 Dec 2008 01:44:52 GMT

Exercise cada dia

cook at least 3 big things a week. Try to get up to every day, and more breakfasts.

find at least 5 new friends in the next month.

Start drawing cada dia, at least 5-10 mins.

Play guitar at least 30 mins/dia.

flutey thingie at least 20 mins/dia.

get up each morning before 8 am.

Bake a few things.

Cut down avg. daily time spent starting at a screen.

Groom all 4 cats.

Get in touch with all 'forgotten' friends that are actually quite awesome and fun. Forget about lame women that aren't worth it.

Teach myself new stuff in at least 2 subjects. Most likely: improve spanish and german, possibly learn some french, calculus. Sciences. Recap what I was supposed to learn this semester.

Get some sort of full-time employment within the next month.

Become self-sufficient again.

Only if schedule permits, register for classes - philosophy, math of some sort, studio art, the next chem class, or foreign language. maybe music theory? And body conditioning.

Clean room, maintain cleanliness. Keep house obsessively clean.

Pick up at least 4 good books to fall asleep in, replenish as needed.

Find a way to pick up music before the local virgin closes.

Thu, 11 Dec 2008 21:28:31 GMT

The ex was over yesterday in attempt to make me more productive, and it made me realize I pretty much only listen to asshole music. Dark, bitter lyrics for the most part, with ironically bubbly music and vocals. Shit that would go over most the heads of most people... cracks me up to no end. Sure, part of it is the sound, but I've always argued you can tell someone's mindset from the music they listen to. Sure, many people would think the shit I find funny is just wrong, but they usually say that with a smile on their face because they know damn right it's hilarious. Either that or they're too dumb to get it. Or too damn sensitive.

Oh man sometimes I feel ancient. Online quizes help that along, as does hanging out with young adults. weird.

In other news, I'm going to ask about going active for sure this weekend. I need to get this show on the road again. No matter how I did in my classes, I don't want to go back to chaffey. I might keep the major, it's a good cash cow and accounting itself isn't near as annoying as these damn econ classes. But I might just take a lot of higher-level life science/philosophy classes. That's what really interests me. Cognitive sciences. Shit that's not a billion miles beneath me or tedious in a nonamusing way. Maybe I'll take up painting. I've taken to drawing in class when not taking notes during lectures. I get soooooo bored so easily it's sad.

I've been taking Siouxsie to the dogpark a lot, it's been pretty good for us. She's making friends, I'm making friends, I get to spend time with my friend whose fiance is in soldiercamp. Lucky him, they get 'holiday break' in the middle. 2 weeks they're not at camp. Maybe because it's that funky soldier condensed training boot-mos in one shot thing, instead of regular boot, but I'm jealous. I had Christmas (I think New Years too) with my senior, that was our present. But anyway, I can't wait to see him. I'm going to their wedding.

I've been making friends at chaffey too, I'll be sad to not go to school with some of them, but then someday I'll be at a university and I'll meet a lot of cool people closer to my age and intellectual level. Someday. That's part of why I need to get off my ass and go somewhere. I'm not going to get anywhere staying around here. I know that already, I knew it, I saw it happening before this semester started, and all the way through it. I'm out of shape and out of money. I'm also pale and probably don't smell as nice. Sure, I learned to make some awesome food, but... not about to open a damn restaurant or anything.

I think someone just tried to open my front door, maybe those locorobbers are back. I might need to take a shotgun to someone's ass.

That's another thing, i've gotten about 74691436954716790914 x more violent in the past year. But not in the way that I beat folks up, just... i wanna box or wrestle or shoot or whatever all the time now. Maybe it's all this caffeine I drink?

OMFG an update!

Thu, 06 Nov 2008 19:54:07 GMT

Let's see...

I'm closer to being done with chaffey, but still haven't attempted transferring. I need to get on that!

Izzy';s moved back in with his mom, permanently this time, it seems. They already took him to get new glasses, they gave him his own phone, all that. They're going to take him to a lawyer to get immigrated. They already kicked him out once because he went nuts, and the cops had to tazer him, but still they want to give him chances. They don't seem to realize me being married to him isn't a good thing, 'he's trying'. Oh well. I still appreciate what they did for me. I hope we don't wind up on bad terms. Apparently his mom didn't want his sister telling me what's been going on with him, but it really is my business. I can't just forget about him, though I'm not freaked out anymore.

My phone isn't sending pics to my email anymore. I have no clue what's wrong, but it's pissing me off. This has been going on for over a week, and I WANTS MY PICS!!!!!!! Using the photo edit thing is fun, and I have some stuff on there that needs to be online!

I still haven't gotten a job, haven't gone out looking enough. I think I'm having motivation issues. Or maybe I spend too much time online. still spend way too much, but nothing interesting happens half the time.

I'm not dating anyone, kinda don't want to. Don't want to go out to clubs too much either, even if I wasn't broke. Haven't been drinking, haven't been smoking. Though my voice is better when I do, and that sort of stuff relieves stress... it also causes it. lol

My guitar student's awesome, really picking it up fast and genuinely musically inclined. And loads of fun at 3 am... oh man, 'developmentally delayed' hookers!!!!

All this week i've been working out pretty hard at the gym, preparing for my damn pft. I'm getting into better shape, and my skin's fitting a little tighter. I'm actually about to go off to run. I wanted to run earlier, like actually in the morning, but I stayed up too late last night and have been fucking around on here for over an hour now.

I've been reading a lot, my brother actually had a couple books I liked. I think I finished his last good one last night though. I can't seem to get to bed and just sleep, I'm always wanting to read something. Hopefully this doesn't happen on friday!

Mon, 27 Oct 2008 02:49:57 GMT

ugh. i'm failing. i can't seem to do much of anything, can't seem to complete anything. i'm supposed to help on a project i know nothing about, and i have a test tomorrow, and i'm tutoring tomorrow... but i'm just going to pass out, i think.

some stuffs. an update of sorts.

Sun, 12 Oct 2008 07:29:22 GMT

i've been putting these on while i do homework n stuff.

. <a href="http://www.msplinks.com/MDFodHRwOi8vYXNlLnR1ZnRzLmVkdS9jb2dzdHVkL2luY2Jpb3MvZGVubmV0dGQvZGVubmV0dGQuaHRt">ase. tufts. edu/cogstud/incbios/dennettd/dennettd. htm</a> - 18k <object type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowScriptAccess="never" allowNetworking="internal" height="344" width="425" data="http://www.youtube.com/v/khp4VWJC1FI&hl=en&fs=1&rel=0&color1=0x5d1719&color2=0xcd311b">
<param name="allowScriptAccess" value="never" />
<param name="allowNetworking" value="internal" />
<param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/khp4VWJC1FI&hl=en&fs=1&rel=0&color1=0x5d1719&color2=0xcd311b" />
</object>

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-8126331231093135324

http://video.google.de/videoplay?docid=-6734321991450996691

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=7000513489743823252

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=2415304425055281170

i think that's enough for now.

Fri, 19 Sep 2008 01:54:52 GMT

jeez.

i've hit another low. i know it's part because i haven't been exercising, part because of the stuff that's been going on, and part because i ran out of hormonal control. in fact, that last one i'm sure is 90% of why i feel the way i do.

izzy's now in costa mesa. i had to talk with the hospital again, which bummed me out. i really do not know what to do with that thing. i can't just file paperwork because... I NEED A SIGNATURE! also i'd have to reprint the stuff and refill it out, i don't know what to do. and... i don't want him near my car or house. i don't need that. and also... i can't afford the filing fees, and i don't know anyone who would spot me the funds. and i'm jobless and prospectless. well, someone said they might hire me, but they haven't called yet.

i slept most of today. had many dreams about being rejected. just me being rejected over and over again, but different people in different ways. i feel tired as hell, but gone are the days i can just sleep for a weekend if i feel like it. i need to run. i'm about to play bunko, i think, though i need to wash.

that's another thing that's been bothering me, i can't shower properly. i haven't showered in a couple days and the last time i bathed it was a horrible job because BOTH the showers are broken. so... either i can wait an hour to let the tub fill with lukewarm water (after 2 minutes of twisting the thing with PLIERS!!) or birdbath in the sink. god what i wouldn't do for a decent shower.

the cops came by twice today, looking for the guy who broke in. the 2nd time they showed me a pic, but that kid was lighter and more hispanic looking, like mixed. so maybe they were discounting me. maybe not. i know i smelled, they probably thought a thing or 2 about that.

hopefully i get to hang out with valerie tonight. she's like my twin, i swear. she understands things about me no one else seems to, i need to let it out. either that or i'll spend tonight drumming.

Sat, 13 Sep 2008 23:33:08 GMT

gawd.

i'm letting my friend's little brother take me out in a little bit. sure, we'll have a good time, but hopefully i can steer this crush he's gotten on me into a platonic friendship. he's a cool kid, but a KID. and practically my brother. i remember him at 13(and i was 18!!), sheesh.

that one girl is talking to me again, at least a little bit. supposedly i was too flirtatious, and she thought i was insincere. that's the story, at least. oh well.

izzy's set to ship to hollywood on monday. i'm starting a pool to see who can guess how long it'll be until he's at my door, anyone want to make a guess?

i still haven't gotten one of my books, and am getting rather worried. i haven't done any of the homework for that class yet, not turned in at least, and i'm scared i'll fail this class. it's required. if i DO fail, i'll retake it, but i don't want to have to spend another semester at chaffey for a damn econ class. well, i need to go to the transfer center anyway... might be too late for me to try to transfer before spring, if it's even an option.

yesterday was such a beautiful day, i couldn't stand being cooped up indoors. today doesn't seem so nice, but maybe that's because i slept late as hell because i went to sleep late as hell. i should have gone around 10... but didn't. i still need to work on my behavior modification. i've been getting bad at my self discipline.

Tue, 26 Aug 2008 18:10:56 GMT

meh. shit's really starting to go down the drain.

i haven't been able to enroll in any of the classes i wanted, got up too late to crash the one i could have this morning, a 6:30 cardio/bodybuilding class that would have been great for me. i specifically picked classes that had 'availabilities', but i wasn't allowed to add or anything. when the courses are online, you can't exactly crash the course like with a regular class.

Just as i predicted that girl took me off her friends list this morning. you know, i think i want to like her more than i actually do, but still i kinda actually do too. maybe i'm too serious for her or something? meh :/

The spouse called yesterday saying he's definitely on his way down. he sounded the sanest he's been for a while, so hopefully this isn't TOO bad. if he even comes, which i'm sort of doubting. he's 'tried to get back' at least 3 times recently that i know about. then again, it's izzy. you can't predict exactly what he's going to do, but you know it's going to be crazy. i am NOT looking forward to this! i know he's going to want me to take him in, and if i do that he'll want to sleep in my bed, and i don't even want to shake his hand. i am terrified that if i see the freak i'll want to take him back, because it's happened so much. i'd rather be terribly alone than that. miserably, utterly alone.

i'm going for that job interview today, FINALLY. i'm not too sure i'll get it, my self-confidence has really gone south. i really don't know what to do for school. i'm really hoping i get to go to miramar, because i might be fucked if i don't. i tried to run last night and couldn't even do a mile without stopping. sure, it was hot, and maybe i was a little dehydrated/exhausted/sick, but i still should have been able to do 2 miles at an easy pace no problem. fucking lameness. oh well. no matter what happens today, tonight i'm going for as long of a run as i can. i'm going to run every night/morning if i can, then once it cools down more i'll add midday jogs too. i need to get into shape again! i want to get into the best shape possible. i need to do it for me, for my sanity. i think that's part of why i've felt so fucking miserable lately, i've hardly been exercising. i'm guessing it shows like crazy. i'm also quitting the smoking thing. sure, it's mostly because i'm running out of money, but also it's not something i really need to be doing. especially with the shape i've let myself get into!

Fri, 22 Aug 2008 22:01:48 GMT

meh. i have some sort of fluish thing. i've been hot and dizzy today and yesterday. not good

i'm completely out of money. i don't like being broke, not only because it means i can't go out really anywhere, i like the security of having cash. i like being able to buy groceries whenever i feel like it, or get something cute just because.

i need to get some sort of employment, and fast. it's not just the money issue, i need to have something to do. i need to be around people. being in the house with a bunch of animals and the internet all day can't be healthy for my brain. hopefully i get the UPS and/or the reserve center positions.

this one girl that i liked and she seemed to really like me is apparently dating a guy. she says they're not REALLY dating, not serious, anyway, and she's still a bit interested in me. she had me up on her top friends on myspace. i used to be like 5 or so... then around 10 (but still above the 'boyfriend'), now as of today i'm not on there at all. this is after she took all her comments off my pics somewhere around yesterday. i'm guessing by the end of the week she won't be on my friends list anymore. i'm kinda wondering what i did, if i did anything at all. and no, she's not someone i know only online, i didn't even meet her there. i'm seriously about to write her off. i mean, she's really intellectual and we have all sorts of stuff in common, and there's physical chemistry, but... obviously something's changed. i'm kinda wondering what. it's like that magic spell i held over people when i first got back is broken. i was like 'wtf, i'm special?!?!?' and now it's like i'm back to being regular old me.   it's weird.

i should be up at the college by now. i wasn't feeling the best this morning, but am feeling ok now, so i should get to that. i need to fill out a new application for some reason. they probably want to retest me too :/ i need to enroll in classes! even if i move to miramar in october, at least starting school will be good for me. i'll meet a couple people, get out of the house every day, think a bit every day. more so than i do these days, at least. i know i'm taking probably both micro and macro econ, 2nd semester english, and hopefully swimming. that is, if any of those classes are open still. i don't think there's any other classes i need to transfer. this is it, guys, i'm THAT close!!!! i just need to dig out my consultation from the last semester i completed to see exactly what's needed. i can do that this weekend. i need to clean up my room and see about putting my bed together so i can actually use my room! i'll get shit done later. i will.

the ex is missing again. i should really get to that missing persons report, so next time he's picked up he'll be shipped down here so i can get a signature. thing is, i like being almost 400 miles away. i don't want the possibility of coming home someday and finding him on the doorstep. or doing something stupid. or harassing friends or family. he thinks i'll solve all his problems. he makes me want to bang my head into the wall.

sorry for what is mostly an emo post, but you see, i haven't exactly been feeling the most cheery lately.

Tue, 12 Aug 2008 20:48:43 GMT

yesterday someone broke into the house. they didn't seem to take anything of value, though my room was messed up. they showed up around 9 the first time, my neighbors saw someone snooping around. i wasn't home at the time. i got back around 10 or 11, and a little before noon the power went out. i thought nothing of it, since it was hot and we've had blackouts before, though not for a long time. and on the way back from the vet's i had seen something about conserving energy in case of emergency, etc, so the idea was at the back of my mind. while i was waiting for things to turn back on i brought a can out to the garage. i came back in and a teenager i didn't know was walking into my dining area. i ushered him outside, but he insisted something of his was there. he made up a story that he had been knocking, but since he got no answer he went in. his hat was in my brother's room. that's how i know he HAD been in. i didn't hear him come in, so i hope he hadn't been in for a long time without me knowing it. the kid i saw didn't match the description of the guy the neighbors saw, so there was probably 2 guys working together. the kid i saw is known for stealing, has stolen from my mom before, and done time for robbery. they got caught by the alarms, so that's probably why the power was cut. my mom thinks he's who izzy went to when he stole all that stuff last december, and i'm thinking if he was involved he might have come to the house and helped izzy cart stuff off! i don't know. the whole thing's weird. i wonder if they would have done anything if siouxsie was here. i know it's my fault they got in, i must have left the front door unlocked. i didn't check it after coming home, because i came in through the garage. he must have thought i was still gone because i usually park outside. really a cowardly thief, if you ask me. but they know our patterns.

late in the afternoon i went to my friend's new place in rancho and grappled. they called me the slippery snake because i could get out of almost everything because of the way i squirmed and sweated. my opponent was the koala bear. it was loads of fun. of course i had to leave that prematurely, and go through the house with my mom. of course she was accusatory, and made up all sorts of thing i should have done (anyone in their right mind would have done these things), and excuses for why i didn't (what, were you STONED?), until i finally asked her what the hell would she have done? i mean, people say they'll do 1000000 things when faced with a situation, but what they actually DO is usually completely different. if i would have done ANY of the tings i 'should' have done i wouldn't have gotten the kid out of the house as quickly and easily as i did. maybe i've had a LOT more training with volatile situations/people, but i'm about diffusing the situation if i can. nothing seemed to be taken anyway, i figured. yeah, he shouldn't have been inside, yeah there was intent, but he's a kid, and obviously didn't get to take anything, except maybe for some checks that i'm going to cancel. i think me being there kinda scared him. i will file a police report, though. he gave me a number, though it might not be a working one. he gave me his name, too, which might have been the worst thing he could have done. i wouldn't have known who he was if he hadn't told me his name. i didn't recognize him, but my mom recognized the name and description. when i tell the cops his name his probation officer will probably hunt him down.

anyway, the night ended in getting some snacks/desserts/food because my mom was being a poo to me and we all had a rough day. we even got peanut butter frosty paws for siousxsie, since her day was probably even worse than mine.

the thing that pisses me off is my mom routinely leaves the back door and all the windows upen. ok, the screen door locks, but that thing's not the strongest lock around, and she doesn't always lock that.. ALL our screens slide open, though it might be hard to do from the outside. she leaves earlier than i wake up most mornings. these guys came in the morning because they figure all the neighbors are gone at work, so there's no witnesses. what would have happened if i were in my room, asleep, and my car just happened to be in the garage? when the guy came back in i was about to go back to bed. would he have done something to me?

Sun, 10 Aug 2008 02:14:55 GMT

for a book with 5 pages of positive reviews at the front, anansi boys was pretty terrible. honestly, i think i could have written something of that quality around 6th grade. i remember reading american gods and enjoying it, but that was a long time ago. lately i've been reading some of the books my brother has amassed since i left, and though some had dumber and less amusing plots, i think they were all written better. WAY too much foreshadowing, and everything worked out a little too neatly and simply. characters should have been flushed out at least a little better. not a very creative book. to make matters worse, the preview of fragile things at the end was full of typos. i'm guessing timelines had to be met, but couldn't they at least run spellcheck? i need to start getting my own books and stop reading whatever's around just for the sake of reading something. i already know my brother has horrible tastes. if it has sex and the supernatural, he'll think it's awesome. his taste in movies is worse. he has well over 100, and more than half are pure crap. just because it shows titties does not make it a good movie. just because it shows multiple pairs of breasts does not make it great.

enough about lame books and movies.

last night i went to a club called ruin in hollywood with my friend frank. i haven't clubbed with him in years. we had a blast. danced for a long time. i got up on a something (don't exactly know what it was, big blockish thing) and danced. a girl with flashing bunny ears danced on the one across the stage from me. it was interesting. on the way back the cops had closed the fwy down to 1 lane, so it took us about an hour to go 10 miles. i didn't get home until around 5 am. i slept most of today, and tonight i'm going out with a couple friends of the ex. they're taking me to a punk show, apparently. hopefully neither goes apeshit. one is known to. the other is probably expecting to get into my pants. this is going to be an interesting night!

ants have thoroughly invaded the house. they were all over me as i slept today though somehow not on the opened bar of chocolate a few feet away. are all over the pets' food. they are carpeting the freezer, making a mass grave just inside the door. they are on the chair i'm sitting in, in the middle of the stone floor away from walls or really anything organic, other than myself. they've been pretty good this summer, maybe because so much of the house is new and they had to make new ways in, but they're here now, en mass. i can't wait for winter to kill them off.

i'm not sure if i wrote about this, but siouxsie has stitches and a cone. somehow she tore open her thigh right above the knee while we were out for a walk friday before last, and got stitched up sunday. she's on an antibiotic, and thinks pill and medicine are new code names for treats. we don't even have to use peanut butter anymore.

Sat, 02 Aug 2008 02:08:44 GMT

today's been eventful in the housewife sense of eventful. while out for a jog this morning (i finally got up early enough WOO!) the dog decided to chase a cocker spaniel around, and when i put the leash on so she'd behave i noticed she had a hole in her leg about the size of a quarter. i doubt the cocker spaniel did it for a couple reasons, so i'm thinking she must have snagged herself and been a big, dumb puppy-that's-not-a-puppy. she jogged home with me just fine, though she did limp a little when we got home. when i went to clean/bandage her up she seemed wary, and did NOT like the process. she spent a couple hours straight on the floor in the bathroom because i think she honestly thought she couldn't walk. poor thing, but that'll show her not to mess with cocker spaniels, i guess! she CAN walk, and doesn't whine when she does, but i think it's the getting up that bothers her, since the wound's right above her knee. poor thing just seems so pathetic, hasn't even wanted to go potty since we got home, and that was around 8 am.

i missed my interview because i couldn't find the place. i finally gave up and drove back home only to realize they hadn't given me a contact #, though they gave directions and a list of how to prepare. i realized i was way overdressed anyway. i rescheduled my interview, i hope it's ok. i really want this job. it's not the most glamorous, but it has a reliable schedule, benefits, and a daily workout. maybe i'm just getting older, but the reliability really appeals to me.

i decided to cook, since i was going to be gone for the weekend and i bought a bunch of stuff that would be bad or used for gross food by the time i got back. i made the BEST seafood alfredo. the only thing that could have made it better is if i would have used scallops instead of imitation crab and if i would have cooked the stuff in a better sequence so the salmon wouldn't have gotten soggy around the edges by the time i used it. salmon should NOT remind me of tuna!! but it was awesome... the sauce was made using tomato basil (i think?) feta, asiago, crema, and evaporated milk, with the fish and the mushrooms/onions they were cooked with mixed in, as well as a little of the lemony butter sauce they were in. i threw that on 2 different types of pasta that i cooked with excessive salt and garlic and a minute or two short so they're firm and flavorful. i was cooking for hours. it was hot in that kitchen, and it's a mess, but at least my family has stuff to eat for the weekend, and maybe next week too. i saved some of the salmon so someone can have it without alfredo and pasta, since it's REALLY good on its own. of course, i was drinking a little while i cooked, since i figured i didn't have to go anywhere for a bit and there was all this yummy alcohol in the house, which probably made the cooking more fun. also i'm drinking vanilla chai tea straight up... my tastebuds are yappy. i think i gained 5 lbs this afternoon, i'm not even hungry to try the finished meal. i was famished when i started cooking, eh! i'm weird, cooking makes me stupid happy.

so that was my homebody exciting day... now i get to go off to mcrd san diego with someone from my unit, then drill weekend. we get to run in the morning, yay :/ then swim qual, gas chamber, and shots for me.

Fri, 25 Jul 2008 01:35:19 GMT

http://www.personalitypage.com/ENFP.html

sounds about right.

YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Fri, 18 Jul 2008 21:08:12 GMT

tonight i leave for san francisco!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i still have to pack and clean some shit up, but it shouldn't take too long! i have my divorce shit about 1/2 done, and it took me less than an hour to do what i did. i have someone coming over in a little bit to help me figure out how to finish it. i SHOULD clean my fish tank, but i don't wanna. i need to clean up my room and shower, but i'm being lazy. i didn't run today, but apparently i'm not as fat as i thought, since i can pull pre-boot pants all the way off without unbuttoning them. i NEED to wash the car somehow, but it doesn't seem like i'll be able to. this pisses me off, since the car's FILTHY!!!!!!

...yesterday i was really angry for a lot of the day. i got up early to go run... and when i got back my mom was still here, AND hogging the computer. she knew that i wanted to finish my stuff YESTERDAY so i wouldnt' be scrambling around at the last minute!!! ...i took a nap and told her to wake me when she was done, since she was going to go do some stuff out in town at some point. i awoke quite a while later to an empty house. had no time to mess with the computer, as i had an appt to service my car. while i waited i did what i could with the docs i printed out, realized i'd most likely need assistance. i tried to call my friend who said she'd help, but couldn't get ahold of her all day. i got back home ready to type up my stuff and get it over with, to find my mom on the computer again. i took another nap (no i'm not depressed/sleeping too much, when i'm called for work it's LATE at night, and didn't know if was going to get called in), this time had her PROMISE to wake me when she finished, only to awake to a dark, empty house. by that time it was after 8. my mom called at 9ish and said visitors were on their way... i didn't care about being polite at that point. i had already told the guy i had shit to do, VERY important stuff. i'm soooo glad shit's easy for me to type up, but if i would have done it at 8 or so in the morning i could have had someone go over it by the end of the day. and i'd have that neatly packaged and i would have a clean car because i wouldn't still have to deal with it instead of cleaning, etc. she didn't even pay me for the shit i've been doing for her lately instead of my own stuff like she swore she would... i know i'm not broke, but i hate not having cash on me. I DON'T CARE that everyone going with me will have cash, i can't stand not having at least $20-40 in my wallet!!!! i just don't feel safe! i'm not too keen on withdrawing more cash... i really don't want to milk the bank account more than i have to! especially since i don't have what i'd call steady, reliable income... what do i do if something happens to the car, or to me, or one of my wards? eh. and here i am ranting in my lj instead of smoking my cig, showering, cleaning my room, and waiting for my friend. at this rate my friend will be here before i'm out of the shower!

that said, i'm still very, VERY excited to be going on my little road trip! even if izzy douches up, my friends are lame, and my mom's friend (and therefore my mom and then my whole family) think i'm a serious druggie/psycho and not to be trusted, and all the girls up there think i'm the worst possible example of humankind, i'll still enjoy the fact that i'll be in san francisco!!!!! i know i'll have a good time. as long as i don't lose confidence not even izzy can knock me down!

Tue, 15 Jul 2008 07:27:12 GMT

this is a do-or-die week. i haven't started it off to well yet. didn't do any of the 9999999999999 billion things i wanted to do today. except start laundry... which i should have done last friday. eh. oh yeah, i called the stupid-face. i think he thinks i'm trying to fuck with him. apparently he thought i went up to san francisco last week, and 'forgot' to see him... he seemed a little too fake with his 'joy' when i told him i have divorce papers... i don't know whether he was trying to show off for his friend or just piss me off, or both, but he was being a poo. acting retarded. eh. i think he was trying to act tough since i'm actually going through with the divorce. he tends to think no one's really serious about things. but oh well, i'll have my divorce possee! AND my big guns! one of my goals this week is to tone up all the flab that i've let accumulate. i'm not going to run with a set of 20-lb weights again, but maybe with one or maybe 6 miles with my ingenious 6-lb ones. i'm going to do at least 100 crunches a day. this means i have to go to bed earlier. and i probably shouldn't be getting drunk like i am right now, but i have a bit of an excuse i think. i hate it that someone can still manage to piss me off that easily. it's sad that he'd love to know that he annoyed me so. people like that should die. eh. at least that is a chapter that is drawing to a close! and i WILL have fun in the bay area!

ugh, siouxsie just jumped in my lap, and she just got out of the shower :/